Category Archives: Weirdness

Vanity Kills

Imagine if you stared into a mirror and the reflection began to change. It grew scales and glassy eyes. Gills and fins. You’re the same. Only the reflection has transformed. Then, of course, the reflected fish creature comes to get you.

That was the premise for a work of flash fiction I wrote over a year ago. It’s finally seeing publication in an anthology called Fish from Dagan Books.

The inspiration for this came from an old Chinese myth about a race of creatures that live in mirrors. I read about if from The Book of Imaginary Beings by Jorge Luis Borges. In ancient times, there was a war between these creatures and mankind. The Yellow Emperor used magic to enslave these creatures in mirrors, forcing them to mimic our movements. If you stare into the depth of a mirror, you may sometimes see the fish shimmering just at the edges, ready to throw off its shackles and restart the ancient war.

That’s creepy. I thought, what if that really happened. I mean, you stare into a mirror and things start to change. A bit like a reverse Alice in Wonderland. Instead of you going in, the creatures come out.

Tim Kane

The Modern Madame Bathory

Ah Madame Bathory, the Countess who took the term “blood bath” to a whole new level. If you’re unfamiliar with the lady, she was a sixteenth century royal in Hungary who decided create her own fountain of youth from young woman’s blood. Specifically, she drained them and bathed in the blood.

She might have been on to something. Now it seems that researchers have found evidence to support that young blood can restore metal health (to mice at least). They swapped blood between an older mouse and a younger mouse. The younger one’s brain began to age more rapidly and the older one (with the newer blood) showed more elasticity in thinking. It was able to solve water mazes quicker with fewer mistakes.

This is a frightening prospect, not for the scientific advancement (which is terrific) but the implications for us. We already have fang bangers who dress and act like vampires. Some even delude themselves into believing they are the living dead. Now, bolstered by scientific evidence, will they round up the youngsters, Bathory style, and drain them to renew their flagging vigor? Don’t laugh, it’s a real possibility.

Until then, keep a close watch on your children. The vampire wannabes are out there.

Tim Kane

Wound Man

Think you’ve had a bad day? Check out this guy. He’s had everything thrown at him, including the kitchen sink.

This is Wound Man. No, he’s not some new variety of zombie. Though he reminds me of Julie Walker from Return of the Living Dead 3. She staved off her flesh eating desires by sticking bits of glass or metal through her body. Sort of a piercing party gone wild.

No, the original Wound Man appeared in medieval surgical books. It was intended to show doctors the types of wounds soldiers might acquire. The poor figure suffers from it all. Beatings. Stabbings. You name it. There were only three key illustrations that were reused from book to book. (Why carve a new block if you can simply grab the old woodcut.).

Just remember, your day could always be worse.

Tim Kane

Surreal Picture Story

I’ve recently become addicted to the website Retronaut. Never heard of it? You should. It posts all sorts of strange and quirky photos from the past. Recently, I came across some very bizarre photos. Seeing them, my mind began to spin out a story.

Someone has poisoned the watermelon. Hungry kids, desperate to beat the summer heat, recoil at the hideous taste. But there is a side effect. Eating the tainted watermelon transforms you…

You shrink down to chicken size. As well as yearn for the taste of tobacco. Unfortunately, all that smoking only accelerates the effects of the shrinkage. It keeps going until…

The only place left to hide is between the buttocks of dapper gentlemen on baseball fields. But beware, these men are actually there to trap the tiny kids. Once captured, each tiny tot is locked up…

There kids will be rehabilitated so they can live happy lives here in the good ole USA.

Now everyone is happy.

Tim Kane

There is No Peace Treaty with the Ant Kingdom

The ants go marching, not two by two, but hundreds by hundreds.

My house has been ant free for years. Yet this summer’s heatwave has sent them in droves. And they’re crazy. They start by running up drains and cracks. Scrambling around the bathroom sink where they’re no food. I’ve set traps, but the insects ignore them. They somehow know the difference between real peanut butter and the laced with poison type. I’m limited with the types of sprays I use. I have a young daughter and a dog.

The warriors loyal to Achilles were called Myrmidons or ants. They swarmed the beaches of Troy for ten years. Is that how long I must battle?

Brad Pitt as Achilles in Troy with his loyal ant warriors, the Myrmidons

A friend recommended I sign a peace treaty with them. Fat chance. There are only three species on the planet that practice the art of war. That is, violence not for the sake of territory, but simply to show dominance over a foe. These species are humans (obviously), chimpanzees, and ants. Ants will tear the legs off their opponents. They are beyond viscous. As Edward O. Wilson, the most famous myrmecologist in the world, said “If ants were given nuclear weapons, the world would be destroyed within a week”.

Then there’s the strange situation we have in California. I’ve heard people say that San Diego is build on one giant anthill. I thought they were exaggerating. Then I did the research. Argentine ants (Linepithema humile) have taken over California, forming a gigantic super colony. It’s known as the “California Large.” Normally ants would attack each other, but those who live in a super colony tolerate each other (much like humans living in cities). They have millions of queens, but all work together. What’s freaky is the same colony exists in California and Japan. That means if you took ants from San Diego and brought them to Japan, the two groups wouldn’t fight.

When I see ants in my kitchen or house I kill them. Not only for the sake of my sanity. I mean I’ve had to turn to preparing food on the dining room table. The ants swarm that quickly. But also, killing individual ants is tantamount to giving a dog a haircut. It does nothing to the colony as a whole. Even killing the queen won’t stop a super colony. A new queen and colony will come to take it’s place.

So it’s all out war, with no end in sight. Sometimes I feel like Kilgore in Apocalypse Now: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

The horror. The horror.

Tim Kane