Think you’ve had a bad day? Check out this guy. He’s had everything thrown at him, including the kitchen sink.
This is Wound Man. No, he’s not some new variety of zombie. Though he reminds me of Julie Walker from Return of the Living Dead 3. She staved off her flesh eating desires by sticking bits of glass or metal through her body. Sort of a piercing party gone wild.
No, the original Wound Man appeared in medieval surgical books. It was intended to show doctors the types of wounds soldiers might acquire. The poor figure suffers from it all. Beatings. Stabbings. You name it. There were only three key illustrations that were reused from book to book. (Why carve a new block if you can simply grab the old woodcut.).
I watch a lot of reality TV. Not because I adore it. Mostly because I hardly watch TV at all these days and there’s little commitment with these shows. You can watch one or two episodes and see all you need. I was recently watching Craft Wars (with Tori Spelling) and caught the most ridiculous elimination catchphrase: “Pack up your glue gun. You’re done in this craft war.”
This got me thinking. There have been as many lousy reality TV concepts as there are bad elimination catch phrases. Here are few that, thankfully, no one has tried yet.
10 American’s Top Politician
Honestly, this is how we should do elections. More people would watch and probably vote. However, it would truly underscore the shallowness of our political system.
Elimination Catchphrase: The votes are in… Your campaign is over.
Will Ferrel and Zach Galifianaki compete for congress.
9 Barista Wars
I’m guessing baristas would battle over who could whip the best foam on a cappuccino or churn out the frostiest frappe.
Elimination Catchphrase: You’re frappe was forgettable.
8 Top Neighborhood Watch
Inspired by the movie, The Watch, perhaps warring neighborhood watches could compete over the best way to foil car thieves and burglars.
Elimination Catchphrase: Pack your flashlight and leave the neighborhood.
The Watch movie starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and Richard Ayoade.
7 Top Skating Pro
Yes, we have the X Games, but what about the drama behind the half-pipe? Here skaters would compete for the best moves and the most stellar personality.
Elimination Catchphrase: You’re ollie ollie outta here. (Ollie is the name of a basic movie in skateboarding.)
6 Project Gossip
Rumors always plague us wherever we go. Yet who can dish it out the best? Finally a Reality TV that has snarky back-biting during AND after each competition.
Elimination Catchphrase: The dirt you dished didn’t stick. Time to clean up you game.
Gardeners compete each show to create the best landscape. There’s a special segment with a mystery shrub. Ooo, so exciting.
Elimination Catchphrase: Pack your shears and mow. (Can you hear the rim shot? I can.)
4 Garbage Wars
Dueling sanitation workers compete to collect unusual trash items in the shortest time. Imagine Fear Factor but as a job.
Elimination Catchphrase: You’ve been kicked to the curb.
3 America’s Next Top Teacher
As a teacher myself, it sometimes feels like this. Here we give a set of teachers the worst students, no supplies, and a cramped room to teach in. (Hey, it’s called reality, people.)
Elimination Catchphrase: You have a failing grade. You’ve flunked out of school.
2 Project Spreadsheet
Finally, a show that explores the devil may care life of accountants. Each episode sees which accountants can make it through various financial challenges and… (wait for it) come back in black.
Elimination Catchphrase: You’re bottom line didn’t hold up. You’re downsized.
Although Dwight Schrute isn’t an accountant, he certainly could do the job.
1 Top Surgeon
Life or death. Who wouldn’t watch? One slip of the scalpel and we lose the patient. At least they pay the patient volunteers well. Plus you get to be on TV.
Elimination Catchphrase: You didn’t make the cut. Pack your scalpel and exit the hospital.