Selfish Is As Selfish Does

I spent the better part of my life a doormat. Always apologizing. Stepping into the shadows so others could reap the limelight. I can’t say I regret all of that. It did teach me some tact and politeness. Yet you can’t exist as an also-ran. At some point you need to stand up and be noticed.

Scene from Fight Club, where Edward Norton beats himself up to blackmail his boss.

Basically, I’m advocating a bit of selfishness. Do something that’s just you once in a while. One favorite of mine is to stop (usually at Starbucks) and grab a snack. I’m partial to anything with a crumble top (Mr. Blueberry muffin, I’m looking at you). Don’t think about the calories or where or when you need to be someplace. Just chill. Enjoy.

If you’re surrounded by dominating personalities, then separate yourself from them. Learn what you want. And the next time they suggest something you don’t like, don’t give in. Step up. Tell them what you want. Grab some control. Heck, very few people are going to give it to you.

Hey, I’m not going to go all self-help or motivational speaker on you. Basically make the choice. It sucks to stand up to people. Confrontation is uncomfortable. That’s why the jerks of the world get what they want. They don’t mind confrontation. In fact they thrive on it. For you and me, it takes practice. Like learning a new language. Start small and build up. Just saying what’s on your mind is great start.

Tim Kane

Stray Dogs Take Over the Subway

On of the creepiest movies I’ve seen is Mimic. Here, mutated cockroaches transform into people hunting predators in the New York subway. Their adaptations to hunt humans is amazing. Down to mimicking our speech and silhouette.

Now it looks like this sort of adaptation could be happening for real (albeit on a much less deadly level). It appears that packs of wild dogs have taken over the subway system of Moscow. The alphas are chosen not by superior might, but by cleverness. These canines can sense which humans will dole out food. A good tactic considering some Muscovites take to stabbing the dogs.

These dogs also travel the subway, expanding they’re begging territory. They recognize familiar scents of certain stops, as well as the names the conductor uses.

Who knows, maybe these dogs will develop pick pocketing abilities. Or will they start taking down weak or young Muscovites? The stray dog population has been escalating since the mid 1800s. That’s plenty of time to breed in some new behaviors.

Tim Kane

Four Types of Produce That Could Kill You

We’ve all walked into to the grocery store to pick up some produce. Who knew that it could kill you. Apparently many common fruits and vegetables are deadly. Check out this guide to the more nefarious elements of the vegetable kingdom.

  1. Potatoes
    Yes, Irish Gold. The harbinger of French Fries and mashed potatoes is actually a member of the nightshade family. (Tomatoes are part of that family too, just not poisonous). The spud contains a toxin called solanine, a plant defense. It causes nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, stomach cramps, burning of the throat, headache and dizziness. In rare cases, this poison can bring on a coma or even death. I know what you’re thinking. “I’ve eaten plenty of potatoes, and haven’t gotten sick yet.” True, but how many raw potatoes have you eaten? It seems that cooking the spud kills most of the solanine. I wonder how many chefs experimented with raw potatoes before figuring that one out?
  2. Corn
    This hardy side dish turns out to be deadly when it turns into a main course. When corn becomes most of a person’s meal (as it did with early settlers), then something akin to scurvy develops. You see, the niacin in corn is very hard to absorb by the body. Traditional recipes added lime to aid the absorption of niacin. What’s the big deal, you say. Well, without enough niacin, people develop pale skin that blisters when exposed to sunlight. Folk have dementia that keeps them up all night. Digestive problems keep them from eating normally. Pretty much all the symptoms of vampirism. That’s what people in Europe thought after importing corn.
  3. Cashew
    Ever wonder why every other nut can be sold with its shell except the cashew? This nut is in the same family as poison ivy. The shells have the same irritating oil, urushiol. The nut is safe to eat. But the shell will create a rash in various parts of the body (imagine chewing on poison ivy). The worst part, even if the outside of the shell touches the nut, it could transfer the poison. Purveyors of this nut steam the little buggers open, thus all cashews are partially cooked (and a bit more pricey).
  4. Red Kidney Beans
    Eating only a few of these beans raw will bring on severe nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. The poison is called phytohaemagglutinin (this stuff is in most beans, but especially high in the red kidney variety). Just like potatoes, these beans are completely healthy when properly cooked.

If there’s a lesson here, it’s cook your food well, and have some variety in your diet. Otherwise, you could end up sick or dead.

Tim Kane

Cut Out The Negative

People are out there to make your life miserable. Achieve something? They’ll knock you down. Win? They’ll discount it. Speak up? They’ll ignore you. There are a myriad of reasons. Most stem to jealously. Other folks don’t want to see you doing better than them. You have the ambition they lack.

Forget the reasons. How can you deal with their negativity? Cut them out. That’s right, be viscous. Why would you want friends who constantly bring you down or belittle you? Those aren’t real friends. And cut means cut. Don’t see them sometimes or take a trial break. Just stop seeing them.

Now, sometimes that’s just not possible. Maybe these harbingers of doom are your flesh and blood. You know, family. Well, that doesn’t mean you need to see them every waking minute. Reserve yourself for holidays and birthdays. If you live with them, be cordial, but that’s all. No need to open up to someone who’s ready with sledgehammer.

Learn how to cut people out from the master: Christopher Walken. This guy is pictured in the dictionary next to the word “strange.” I read an interview with him several years ago. Some person annoyed Walken so much that he decided to cut the fella out of his life. I mean he didn’t even talk to the man. Years went by. Nothing. Then finally, the guy calls up Walken and asks: “Why don’t we talk anymore.” Walken tells the interviewer, “And that’s my revenge.”

Christopher Walken stars as Feng in Balls of Fury.

A twisted tale, for sure, but it has a point. (Aside from revenge against annoying people.) When you cut out the negative person, you also remove the negativity. Sure, jinxy things still happen to you, but that’s blind luck. The soul sucking negativity is gone.

Tim Kane

It’s Midsummer: Time for Human Sacrifice

One of my most favorite flicks to watch this time of year is The Wicker Man. Not the god-awful remake with Nicolas Cage, but the 1973 original with Christopher Lee. For those of you not familiar with that name, he’s probably better known these days as Count Dooku from the Star Wars prequels or Saruman from The Lord of the Rings. For me, I shall always remember him as Dracula from the series of Hammer monster films in the 60s and 70s.

The Wicker Man shows the conflict of traditional Christianity, in the form of Sergeant Neil Howie, and paganism, in the form of Summerisle. It turns out the the crops last year weren’t so splendid. Therefore, the island needs a human sacrifice. A virgin to be precise. They lure the sergeant there on the pretense of a missing girl. Though he’s the one they’re after. The film culminates with the poor fella being locked in a ginormous wicker man and being set ablaze.

The comedy of the film lies in this totally proper sergeant butting heads with some free loving hippie pagans. There’s a scene where naked girls are leaping over a fire in order to get pregnant. Sergeant Howie objects to their nudity. To which Lord Summerisle (played by Christopher Lee) responds: “Naturally! It’s much too dangerous to jump through fire with their clothes on!”

A year or so ago, I stumbled upon a version of this wonderful film as played by the Muppets. Below is a YouTube preview. But the real fun lies in the web-comic. It completely embodies the spirit of the film.

Tim Kane