C: Terrible Consonant

No. How Can I say that viCious letter — terrible Consonant? C! No, I Can’t go on anymore denying its horrid power over me. Just to look at its Curved Crooked from brings the bile up from my stomach. Look how it jests at me, thrusting its points out side-like, as if to leap in a headlong rush, impaling hapless vowels on it’s vertiCes. No. No. I have written it too:

There stands the enemy of all that I am—my foe, my adversary, the Culmination of all that is wrong with the world. You don’t believe me? You say, “How Could such a benign letter be the Cause?” You fool. I say, you blind ignorant babe. You have been wooed by its innoCuous yet Covert pretense. Know now that C is a killer. Yes, turn your baCk, and nothing will stop the slaughter. Don’t let your apathy bloCk you from truly examining—finally seeing—the beast from the lamb. Why do we trust it? It seems too inCredible, but we do. I shall tell you, for I have taken its existenCe to heart. I shall reveal the Codex that is its mystery. I will not stop until C has been blotted from the alphabet. Gone.

C’s seCret lies in its ability to Camouflage itself in apparent usefulness. I first disCovered this while writing. Sent and Cent, though spelled differently, have the same pronunCiation. But C also bolsters a hard sound… Yes, yes, I know. This shouldn’t be, but look for yourself: Caught, Cat, Carpet. They all seem so unique, until you remember (as I did) that K has the same sound. Why not spell these words like so: kaught, kat, karpet. This insidious letter has weaseled its own spaCe in the alphabet where none was needed. Its pillage of words ends here!

Soon after I disCovered these horrid faCts, C took its revenge. It Came to me in my sleep: cccccCCCCcCCccCcCccCCc. Hissing and Clucking at me until I thought my brain would burst. Repeating in CyCliC CyCles, revolving and tightening about my throat until I Could no longer scream. But a deep strength, drawn from a respeCt for Consonants and vowels of all kinds rose up in me. I grabbed C by its outstretched hooks. My right hand bleed from the gashes. I wrestled it, holding and twisting until I nearly lost ConsCiousness. Turning it up, I finally rendered the letter into an inert U.

YoU are dead! Finally dead. And now the alphabet will be safe from yoUr sharp points and tongUe. But wait, am I really rid of yoU? No… not yoU again. Not U!

Tim Kane

Google+ What’s the Big Deal?

We writers like to stay up on the whole social media thing. I tweet and blog. Inevitably, I knew I’d have to check out Google+, the newest shiny network on the block. I can’t say I was bowled over.

The interface looks like a milquetoast version of Facebook. Yet it doesn’t seem to have the social factor boiled in the way Facebook does. Ultimately I could see Google+ killing Facebook. After all, Facebook seems to mess with their privacy settings on a monthly basis.

On the surface, the circles function of Google+ seems like a superior solution. Yet there’s something to be said for Facebook’s simplicity. On Google+, I needed to move all my friends to circles. I’m not sure what would happen if I had more than would fit in that little circle. Now on Facebook, I have close to 100 friends. If I could port these over to Facebook, I’d have to manually move them into circles. What a pain.

One strange limitation about Google+ is that you can’t direct message someone or write on their wall. When I wanted to send a message to just one friend, I had to remember their exact name and then add that to my post. Plus, my message would simply appear in their stream. It could get lost.

Folks say Google+ will take down Twitter. Frankly, I don’t see it. Google+ feels too cold and logical. Everything is thought out. Twitter is funky. It has this bizarre system of hashtags that doesn’t follow any rules. Just like the English language, it evolves. I couldn’t imagine Google+ used as a revolutionary tool in countries around the world.

My final complaint with Google+ is the lack of a good iPad app. Without it, I can only access the mobile site. Have you ever seen the mobile site? It feels like I’m working on a computer terminal circa 1985. Almost DOS like. It’s horrific. And this is the best Google can do? I know that Apple is their competition, but if they want to woo users over, they have to jazz up the joint.

Tim Kane

Eight Words You Can Use Next Time You Call in Sick

We’ve all done it. That day you really just don’t feel like going to work. You make your voice sound ragged, maybe fake a few sniffles, and call into work. You have to sound sick to pull of that sick day.

Well, the dictionary is here to help you. Here are eight stupendous words to make you sound sicker (and perhaps more contagious) than you truly are. And hey, some of these aren’t even lies.

1 Ataraxia (noun)
This sounds like it could be some debilitating disease (perhaps involving the clenching of muscles), but it in fact means absolute calm and tranquility—total freedom from anxiety and strain. Just imagine your ataraxia when you actually do get that sick day and stay home from work! (Source: The Superior Person’s Book of Words)

2 Borborygm (noun)
For all those people who seek a fancy word for fart, here it is. A borborygm is the noise made by gas in the bowels. It comes from the Greek word borborygmós, meaning intestinal rumblings. Here’s how you might utilize it for a sick day call: “I’m suffering from a severe case of the borborygms.?” And if you’re telling the truth, then your co-workers will thank you for taking the day off. (Source: The Superior Person’s Second Book of Weird & Wondrous Words)

3 Cardialgia (noun)
This sounds as if you’re about to have a heart attack right on the spot. Relax, it only means mild indigestion. But your co-workers don’t know that. (Source: The Superior Person’s Book of Words)

4 Collywobbles (noun)
This word just sounds like a kid made it up, doesn’t it? Having the collywobbles means you have sick tummy or you’re scared or nervous (like having butterflies in your stomach).  The word derives from a combination of wobble (as in trembling) with colic. Though if you used this word for your sick day, your boss might think you’re all of five years old. (Source: Random House Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary)

5 Kedogenous (adj)
This adjective means something that is brought about by worry or anxiety (exactly the type of problem you have when calling in sick). Pair this with any other sickness to make it sound more extreme: “kedogenous cardialgia”. (Source: The Superior Person’s Book of Words)

6 Kinetosis (noun)
Sounds like it could be a distant relative of halitosis. This word means travel sickness. Perhaps this is a sickness you will acquire after you’ve taken the day off from work. (Source: The Superior Person’s Book of Words)

7 Lippitude (noun)
This might actually be a honest-to-goodness excuse, made a little more fancy to pass off as a true sickness. The word means a bleary-eyed condition—much as you would have after a late night of heavy drinking. Now you can call in sick because you truly are. (Source: The Superior Person’s Book of Words)

8 Tragomaschalia (noun)
This is another great sick excuse. Simply call into work and say that you are suffering from tragomaschalia. Sounds life-threatening, when really it means you suffer from  smelly arm pits. (Source: The Superior Person’s Second Book of Weird & Wondrous Words)

There you have it. Feel free to be sick all you want. Just remember, you might have to “define” your sickness if you use it too often.

Tim Kane

Books Live Through Anonymous Scupltures

Throughout 2011, an anonymous artist created unique sculptures from books and deposited them throughout Edinburgh. Each came with a tag addressed to a Twitter alias. The whole thing was a mystery. The Edinburgh Evening News claimed it had identified the mysterious artist, but a poll revealed that the public wanted the artist to remain anonymous.

The Poetree

The first sculpture delivered was named “The Poetree” after Librarian Julie Johnston discovered it in the Scottish Poetry Library. At the base is a broken egg with words from Edwin Morgan’s poem, “A Trace of Wings.”

Gramaphone and Coffin

This sculpture is crafted from a copy of Ian Rankin’s Exit Music. The tag read: “For @natlibscot – A gift in support of libraries, books, words, ideas….. (& against their exit).”

Tea, Coffee, and Books

This sculpture includes a a tag that reads: “By leaves we live.” The cup on the top has a swirl of words that reads: “Nothing beats a nice cup of tea (or coffee) and a really good BOOK”. Finally, the tray near the cupcake reads: “Except maybe a cake as well”.

Tea cup detail

The artist was able to craft sculptures with amazing detail like these feathers. This is part of a hat shaped like a bird’s wing.

Feathers

For more on these amazing works of art read the article by The List or on the Central Station.

Skeletons and record player

Tim Kane