Beanstalk in a Box

Ever yearn to journey to the clouds? Intrigued by those darned cumulus ogres? Well, be curious no more. The new Beanstalk in a Box is available from Feefie Foofum Enterprises. This splendiferous invention will transport* you and your friends to the magical cloud realms above.

The price for a Beanstalk in a Box is one cow. (Due to the fact that bovines are difficult to acquire in urban areas, we will accept a cow-equivalent: seventy-five pounds of beef, four hooves, and one sweet bread.)

Your Beanstalk in a Box will arrive with three magic beans, each preinstalled with three cloud destinations (Cumulus, Stratocumulus, and Cumulonimbus). Please plant your beans outside in a open area** and leave overnight. Once your beanstalk has risen to cloud level, it is ready to climb. Despite the weather conditions in your area, be aware that temperatures in the troposphere can be downright chilly (-40°F), so bundle up.

CAUTION: When you reach your desired height, step onto the cloud using your cumulus clogs only. Failure to do so will result in insubstantial cloud buoyancy***.

Please be advised that ogres tend to frown on thievery. Consider a moment how you respond when ants scramble into your abode and make away with your food. You coat them with bug spray. As a cloud traveler, you might be interested in purchasing the optional gas mask rated for level 3 toxicity.

Exciting news, our beanstalks are now disposable! Yes, when you’re done traveling, simply use the included hatchet to chop the beanstalk down. Please allow five miles of open land for the disposed beanstalk to fall****.

Remember, souvenirs from the cloud realms are not allowed. Should an irate two-ton ogre follow you down, you may be tempted to cut the beanstalk right away. This will cause the ogre to plummet toward you and your abode. Listen Jack, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Tim Kane

* Users will need to climb the beanstalk.
** Allow 12 feet on all sides. Not responsible for root damage to dwellings.
*** Falling.
**** Yelling “Timber” does not protect from potential lawsuits.

Once Upon A Time Flash Fiction Contest

Beanstalk in a Box is my entry into the Once Upon a Time flash fiction contest. The theme is to update a fairytale. Rather than go plot-centric on this one, I opted for a humorous advertisement. It’s not too late to enter. Check out the details below. My entry came to 347 words.

Fiction Length: 350 words or less.

Web Contact: yearningforwonderland.blogspot.com & www.sjiholliday.com

Twitter Contact: @ruanna3 & @sjiholliday & #ouatwriting

Due Date: Contest ends midnight, April 29th


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19 comments on “Beanstalk in a Box

  1. Bullish says:

    Unexpected indeed! Tongue-in-cheek never looked – or sounded – so damn good!

  2. setareh342 says:

    Love this! Best of luck for the competition 🙂

  3. awesomely clever–my past life was in product development, and I gotta say you nailed it! (one small typo, “then” should be “them” in case you want to tweak it 🙂

  4. Very inventive and quite amusing! 🙂

  5. moonduster says:

    This was really fun to read! 🙂

  6. Sarah says:

    I love your updating of this fairytale classic it made me smile 🙂
    “insubstantial cloud buoyancy” is particularly brilliant!

  7. How brilliantly original! Thanks for entering 🙂

  8. Angela says:

    I just love this! Truly, that’s what I’ve got and it says it all.

  9. cameronlawton says:

    I’ll have two please – but then I’m a sucker for JML ads on tv! Loved this one – parodies get me every time!

  10. Clever. I have a feeling they’d sell a million of these. Nice work Tim!

  11. Made me laugh! I love the concept – reminds me of those funny letters inside the “Jolly Postman” book (if you’ve ever seen it). Brill.

  12. Love this! Hilarious and brillant, so well done, everything thought of!

  13. […] is a flash fiction called “Beanstalk in a Box” which is a take on a reinvented fairy tale. Here beanstalks and Jack become a nineteenth […]

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